ICU beds were almost full, and I had only one bed available in the ICU with a ventilator

A Resident Physician shares the heartbreaking choices doctors face when there is not enough lifesaving equipment for all of their sick patients

I want to share this story because I want people to know it’s not easy being in the frontline every day, risking our own lives, to take care of people we don’t know.

In the Quran, ALLAH says: “If anyone saved a life, it would be as if he saved the whole humanity.”

Right now, I am most afraid of all this affecting my mental health. There’s just too much helplessness, pain, despair, and frustration in seeing even young previously healthy patients die right in front of you when you have done everything you can to save them.

The happiest moment for me during COVID-19 crisis was when I tested negative after 60 days of continuous COVID duty. It was time for the EID holiday. I could finally go home to my loved ones without the fear of infecting them.

The saddest moment during COVID-19 was when I received two patients who were COVID positive. One was a 60-year-old female with many comorbidities, and one was 25-year-old female with no previous history of any disease. 

Both were very sick and disoriented. ICU beds were almost full, and I had only one bed available in the ICU with a ventilator. My team decided to send the 25-year-old female to the ventilator bed as she was a better candidate and had better chances of survival. 

Thirty minutes after shifting her to the ICU, I lost my 60-year-old patient. I felt so helpless. I had to inform her son over the phone, who left me in charge to take care of her.

My parents are the most influential people in my life right now.They support me in my decision to be a COVID warrior. It’s because of their support that I am a doctor today. I am the chosen one to provide the best care, to the best of my abilities, to my patients.

I wish the world knew what it’s like wearing PPE for 12-14 hrs at a stretch during this hot summer, treating patients with fogging all over glasses, unable to drink, pee, or breathe properly. 

I wish people knew that we too have families back at home who are desperately praying every hour for our safety, and for us to come home soon.

Afsan Tahaseen, Resident Doctor, ER, New Delhi, India